I Can Make You Famous!

The Five Minute Guide to Grifters, Con Men, And Moochers 

If you’ve been in entertainment for any considerable length of time, and have an ounce of talent, you’ve run into or worked with this guy: Johnny Obscure Name Dropper. He’s the guy who can grant you instant success, He’s worked for Sammy Hagar, back before he was famous and now he thinks you’re the next big thing. He’s going to drop ten grand on your project as soon as this one artist he’s promoting makes his next record and goes on tour but stick with him, cause hell take you places and then you’ll be big in Japan. He was the original guitar tech for quite Riot but they were holding him back. He’s met and hung out with Janet Jackson’s hairdresser and he’s played drums with that one band that was big in the 80’s, you’ve heard of them right?

Who Did You Say You Worked For?

If you haven’t met this guy yet, let me save you a whole lot of grief; he’s full of shit. This is one thing I wish someone had told me twenty years ago. When you met one of these winners, the first thing you need to do is check all of these bastard’s credentials. Call their bluff, get your iPhone or Droid and look him up, right then and there. What was that name of the guy from Brazil who was selling millions of CD's in the 90’s? Get the name, check it out and find out who his promoter was. If this guy’s name is nowhere to be found, or if that band sucks complete ass, he’s looking to take advantage of you; if you’re really good, he wants to ride your coat tails and make the money.

This Guy Said He Knew The Guy Who Played With Stevie on Tour In 86!

Spotting this guy is not too hard but you need to be honest with yourself and realize one is going to make you famous but you. Realize that if you’ve only been in a band for 6 months, you’re nobody....not yet. If you’ve just met this guy at Ray’s Deli, the sandwich shop with the bands, ask yourself what Sammy Hagar’s first tour manager would be doing there? Is the person who first discovered John Mayer really trolling around the main street restaurant in Yorba Linda looking for fresh new acts or is this fast talking, glitzy shirt wearing guy with the spiked hair and the bald spot just trying to take advantage of a young and naïve artist who doesn’t know any better?

Look At The Suit

Chances are that he is the latter. The real talent scouts are cruising the festivals and have already looked you up on YouTube, and they know what you’ve done so far. The real deal is probably dressed in casual business attire, maybe even a nice tie, well groomed and not looking like a 50 year old burned out rock star with his shirt open and his curly grey chest hair exposed to all humanity. Sure he might be the manager of a pizza hut somewhere but most high end professionals are fairly low key and aren’t looking to impress you with fancy titles and names that you should know, but don’t.

Pants On Fire

Yea, people are going to lie to you, a lot. Everyone is someone in this business and its far too easy to drop a name or two and act like you’re the biggest unknown name in the business  but it’s also too easy to check out their bona fides and make sure they are who they say they are before you go getting your panties wet.

If someone’s telling you big life story, or trying to get too personal with you, smothering you with compliments and platitudes, they are gaming you. “Oh yea, the band is good. But seriously I think you’re the talent”.” Oh, that solo on the CD was you? I thought it was the other guy. It was the best on the whole album!” Man thought I was listening to the radio, I didn’t know that was your band!” Yea, these phrases are trying to butter up your ego, and we want to believe them so much don’t we? Well stop it.

Is this guy a fast talker? If so, what he is doing is trying to talk so fast you miss things or he’s trying to get you to agree with things you don’t quite understand. These people are casting a spell on you because you’re vulnerable and you want fame and fortune so bad, you want to hear what he’s telling you. You want to believe him because that is your dream. Watch out for him; he’s blowing sunshine up your ass and he’s full of shit. Is he avoiding fiscal details, and says oh we’ll get to that later? Yea, he’s running a con job. What does his card look like? Does it look like he runs capitol records, or Hollywood Studios? If it looks cheap and has no other name but his on it, he’s pulling your chain, big time,

However, a good shiester does not look shady, he will be cunning, cool and have his game together; sometimes even good looking chaps with nice suits will be out for your money.  He will woo you, and gain your confidence, although confidence men at that level usually target cats they know have money.  

The Slow Mover

See people who are who they say they are in this business talk slow, in a calm and level tone, and cut to the chase, they won’t butter you up, they will tell you very plainly what the deal is, and what it is not. They are not willing to make promises very quickly and the will want to test your mettle and see if you have a real following they can rely on or they aren’t interested. They want to know details, and what you’ve done, they want references too. They move slow, because they don’t want to waste their time and neither should you. Don’t jump right into bed with anyone without making damn sure they are who they say they are because there are more than enough con artists in this business waiting to take advantage of naiveté and leave you holding the bag wondering what happened.

Be Cautious

I say, be suspicious of anyone looking to make a buck off you and done believe anybody when they try to impress you with ho they’ve worked for because if there really made it to the top, they don’t need you approval nor do they need to impress you. They want to take it slow and so should you. Don’t turn everyone away, but be realistic and careful about who you do believe. Let them take you out to dinner if they want, but they should pay. If they do, they may be serious, if they won’t, or they don’t have the money, run. Run right friggen now because they will only drag you down.

Have real conversations with everybody but realize that you need to get to a certain level of success on your own before anyone serious really takes notice. And besides you really don’t need anyone to make you successful. As I said before, you make your own success. Oh, and dont give up your dy job, not yet!

For further reading:

http://www.taxi.com/transmitter/0910/biggest-music-business-lies.html
http://money.howstuffworks.com/con-artist.htm
http://www.forbes.com/2006/11/03/detecting-lies-trust-tech_06trust_cx_ee_1103lies.html